Reflections & Regrets
by CaroH
Summary: The boys are asleep and John is thinking about their life. Set during Dead Man's Blood.


This short one shot is set during Dead Man's Blood. John has just been reunited with his sons and they are at a motel. John is listening to the police radio while the boys sleep. These are his thoughts.

**Reflections & Regrets**

My boys. My weakness and the source of my strength. I've lived with an obsession for over twenty-two years and if it hadn't been for you I would have lost my grip on sanity a long time ago. My two handsome boys. You grew up and I never noticed. I've lost track of the number of birthdays and Christmas holidays I missed. I hope that one day you'll forgive me for abandoning you in cheap motels with barely enough money to survive on.

You know that the Demon has to be destroyed. What you don't know is that it isn't just vengeance that drives me. That's how it started, but not any more. Finding the Colt could be the answer I've been searching for. I'd pray that it is, except that I stopped believing in anything good the night Mary died. I loved your mother. That will never change and I think about her every day. You'd think the pain would ease after so many years, but it doesn't.

You've both changed. I don't know why that should surprise me. When did I stop seeing you as my sons, as people with a right to make your own decisions? I raised you as warriors in a never ending battle. Was it the Demon who stole your childhoods? Sometimes I wonder. I could have chosen to close my eyes to the things I learned. I could have pretended that there weren't monsters waiting in the dark. Only I couldn't do that and I know now it wouldn't have kept you safe. The monsters would have found you and you wouldn't have been ready for them.

Dean. I remember the first time I held you. You arrived early, impatient and demanding. From the moment you were born I knew I'd sell my soul if I had to in order to keep you safe. Once you were on your feet you never kept still, always getting into some kind of mischief, but you filled my heart with joy. You were such a loving child and so excited about having a baby brother. There was none of the jealousy we'd been warned about. Whenever you were with Sam your face would light up with this huge smile.

Now you hide what you're really feeling behind an insolent smirk and a smart-assed mouth. It fools a lot of people. It doesn't fool me or Sammy. I guess that was my doing, though. I turned that happy little boy into a killing machine – a good soldier who would always follow orders. I drilled into you the need to protect Sam, and I might as well have saved my breath. You knew, instinctively, that Sam was your responsibility. Yours – not mine. You're the one who had to tell him that monsters are real. You had to listen to him cry himself to sleep while I was out hunting. I'm sorry, Dean.

You've become a leader now. I can see it in the way you walk. And, you're damn good at what you do. I'm glad you went and fetched your brother, though. He's the only real family you've got left and I know how much family means to you. I know how much Sammy means to you.

Sam. You were such a good baby. I wish you could have known your mother. She was beautiful and kind and she died because… No! It wasn't your fault, Sammy. Jess wasn't your fault either, but I know you blame yourself. Just like I blame myself for not saving Mary. You have a destiny and I'm trying to save you from it the only way I know how.

How did you grow up to be so smart? I lost count of the number of different schools you attended. You shouldn't have had a chance, but you got yourself accepted to Stanford and I'm very proud of you. Did I ever tell you that? You stood up to me and I drove you away. But, it was for your own protection, Son. I never thought the Demon would come after Jess. I swear, I didn't know until it was too late.

You boys work well together. I know I shouldn't be jealous. I should be grateful for what I saw in your eyes when we met up again in Chicago. But, it's hard to see how close you've become when I feel like a stranger in your lives. We've never had a normal relationship. The hunting trips we've been on – that we're on now – aren't the kind I envisioned when Dean was little. This isn't the life I wanted for you.

I haven't told you yet that I'll be leaving again once I have the Colt. I won't risk you in the fight against the Demon. There's too much at stake and, truthfully, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what it could do to you, Sammy. Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat because I know I might have to kill you. That's another secret I can't share with either of you. You'll be safe once the Demon has been destroyed.

Sleep peacefully, my sons. I love you.

Caroline

May 08


End file.
